I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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