I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
