in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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