I haven't been this sober since birth.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
