She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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