Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
