Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
