You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
