Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
