u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
