Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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