I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
