i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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