She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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