I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
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Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
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He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues