saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life