I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
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Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
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To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos