tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
