I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
