I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
