god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
