If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
