I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
