That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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