I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
