I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
