I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
