I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
