Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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