i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
