Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
