Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
