My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
