dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
