I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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