My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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