I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
