my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
