I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
