I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
