Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
