HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Barsexuality is the new black.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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