Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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