Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
