Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
