What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
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I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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