I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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