My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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