I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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