I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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