When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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