My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
