Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
