I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
