did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
