Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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