Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
