listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
