READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
