How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
