Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
