I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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