Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
