My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
